I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
