i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
