i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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