Your face is a jimmy john
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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