It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
