Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I look better un-naked...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
