please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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