i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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