You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
