I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
