we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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