handjob tips. give me some.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
