Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
