I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
