apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
