i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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