I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
