ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
