Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
