so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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