She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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