Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
