I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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