Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
