I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
