Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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