Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
