last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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