so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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