I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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