I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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