I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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