there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
