I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
