Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
