well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
