so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
