She said her name was "party"
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
