my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
