Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
