Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
