Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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