Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Ketchup is God's man juice
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Randomize
