i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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