its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
