Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
