Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
