it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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