If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
