I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
