My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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